Manage low self-esteem: 3 things you should be aware of when leading others

Businessman low self-esteem

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As a leader, you will undoubtedly encounter employees with low self-esteem. Low self-esteem is like the leaky jar of the Danaids, a jar that is never filled—no matter how much you pour in. This results in people never feeling like they are enough. As a leader, it’s important to be aware if some of your employees have low self-esteem so you can lead them well and help them build more self-worth. It is possible to develop more self-esteem as an adult, and a boss can play a role in that. It benefits both the employee, the company, and the boss if the employee gains more self-esteem.

In this article, you will meet John, who has low self-esteem. When someone has low self-esteem, it can lead to dysfunctions that make it harder to work with others, which is why it’s important for leaders to know about the topic.

The article gives you three things that can help ease the pressure on someone with low self-esteem:

  • Taking care of one’s energy level
  • Getting to know oneself better
  • Receiving positive feedback.

If you prefer reading in Danish, then you can read that version right here.

The leaky jar of the Danaids: Low self-esteem

John has low self-esteem and often comes across as harsher than he wants to. John quickly becomes what I call “hijacked,” meaning he reacts inappropriately in stressful situations. Additionally, he often feels low on energy and strength.

Low self-esteem creates an insatiable thirst for recognition, making a person vulnerable. Because when you depend on getting recognition, it can mean:

  • Difficulty accepting feedback
  • Your brain gets “hijacked” if your status feels threatened
  • You spend a lot of meeting time talking and trying to sound smart
  • You are more concerned with how you come across than what others are saying
  • Your identity is tied to your professional status
  • You struggle to handle a job change

Just because someone has low self-esteem doesn’t mean they check all the boxes above. But low self-esteem can lead to some of the professional dysfunctions listed. The worst part about fundamentally low self-esteem is that you spend a lot of time and energy on something futile—namely, satisfying the need for recognition. But here, it’s as impossible to satisfy that need as it was for the dead in Hades to fill the leaky jar of the Danaids. For the ancient Greeks, it was futile—the worst thing they could imagine. Similarly, futility creates frustration and inefficiency in companies.

According to Greek mythology, there was a family feud between two brothers, King Danaus and King Aegyptus. Each had 50 children. King Danaus’ children were all girls, while Aegyptus had only boys. As the years passed, the cousins became very interested in their beautiful cousins, and the fathers decided the family feud should end through marriage between their children. But Danaus gave each of his daughters a knife, and on his advice, they killed their husbands in the bridal bed—all except one. Hypermestra spared her husband Lynceus and helped him escape. King Danaus imprisoned Hypermestra. But the gods’ wrath was to fall upon King Danaus. The goddess Artemis killed the king and the 49 daughters. As punishment, they were condemned to eternally carry water in a bottomless jar in the underworld—a futile task.

Low self-esteem drains energy

In this way, John’s need for recognition was also like one of the ancient jars. A dysfunction that created a need that could never be satisfied. There are many dysfunctions or behavior patterns that can make someone more vulnerable to being “hijacked.” It consumes energy at work—and it’s energy that could have been used for value-creating work. It also deprives the good people who have these dysfunctions of the happiness and success they could otherwise achieve.

You can have high confidence and low self-esteem at the same time. Confidence is the belief that you can achieve what you set out to do, while self-esteem is the feeling that you have worth as a person, without needing any specific reason—such as producing good results.

If we consider how many people, in some way, have low self-esteem and yet can be very successful both privately and professionally, I believe the number is very high. There’s a big difference between what most people show outwardly and how they really feel. Low self-esteem isn’t something people usually advertise, even to friends and family—because when you have low self-esteem, you feel the need to show that you are good enough.

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What kind of leadership is needed to manage low self-esteem?

When I was a student, there were 80 of us in the class. Only one was the first in her family to attend university. She was incredibly tough and ended up in a research position as a Ph.D., but it was a struggle for her to get through the program, and it wasn’t always with high grades. Her mother, who was an alcoholic, couldn’t help her with homework or discuss politics and the stock market with her at the dinner table, as many of our parents did.

The same goes for a workplace. Not everyone can handle what directors are expected to handle. As a leader, a big part of the job is solving other people’s problems. That’s what The business boss icon Stine Bosse calls “doing the dishes.” I’ve done several key notes together with her. She usually starts with a brilliant introduction. She asks if you like people. Then, if you were in a summer house with two families, would you be the one doing the dishes? Because that’s a pretty good picture of what being a leader often entails.

One of the healthiest and most competent leaders I work with is so selfless that I could hardly believe it at first. So I probed a bit, thinking it couldn’t be true that he didn’t have any sore spots when almost everyone else does. Of course, there are people who haven’t been scarred by their upbringing or career. He’s one of them. What he told me when asked to find something problematic was that he grew up on a farm and had already taken responsibility for feeding the animals by the age of eight. In other words, he had always been the one doing the dishes. A good example of the fact that (unfortunately) we are not all equal, and people, as I said, are different. For various reasons, there is a big difference in:

  • Which dysfunctions people have (if they have any, but most do)
  • What people consider most important and prioritize, consciously or unconsciously
  • How much complexity people can handle
  • What feels so unpleasant that it “hijacks” a person’s brain
  • How much discomfort people can endure
  • Where people’s boundaries lie
  • Which faces they show
  • How they handle situations when their limits are being reached.

There are situations where people are hijacked instantly, and there are situations where it builds up. Suddenly, the cup overflows. I sometimes encounter leaders who, with good intentions, challenge or push their employees beyond all personal boundaries. They do this believing that the employees have the same boundaries as themselves or that it’s okay because they mean well. But you need more sensitivity than that to lead people with low self-esteem well. 

The best leaders for handling employees with low self-esteem are those who truly understand people and have a high EQ. If you want to read more on the subject, you can read this article.

3 focus areas for managing low self-esteem

So, if you are the one with low self-esteem, what to be aware of? John now knew there were some focus areas he particularly needed to be aware of:

  • Maintaining a stable energy level. When you have low self-esteem, you can be hijacked more quickly. That’s why John focused a lot on having a stable energy level.
  • Identifying his top two values. John had trouble setting boundaries for himself. But by knowing his personal top two values, it became easier for him to recognize when his limit had been reached, and he could say no more effectively.
  • Fit for feedback. He became aware of his inability to accept feedback. So, we trained in how he could master giving and receiving feedback. Because John had low self-esteem, it was very important for him to receive positive feedback and experiences of success, which could help push his self-perception in a more positive direction.

As you can see, John is not alone. Many people are like John and might not know how to handle it. Do you also face a challenge that is difficult to solve? Then I’m happy to have a chat. You can take a closer look at me as a coach or our Leadership Community.

And remember that we help people in multinational companies developing leadership to realize dreams. If you would like to be updated with new articles and videos, sign up for our mailing list. Your mail is not shared with anyone and there are advantages to being on the list e.g., getting the first chapter of Josefine Campbell’s book, Power Barometer – How to Manage Personal Energy for Business Succes

References

Avisen.dk (2011), Ekspert: 300.000 lider af lavt selvværd, genudgivet af dr.dk den 30. oktober 2011: https://www.dr.dk/nyheder/indland/ekspert-300000-lider-af-lavt-selvvaerd

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Businessman low self-esteem
Leadership & collaboration

Manage low self-esteem: 3 things you should be aware of when leading others

As a leader, you will undoubtedly encounter employees with low self-esteem. Low self-esteem is like the leaky jar of the Danaids, a jar that is never filled—no matter how much you pour in. This results in people never feeling like they are enough. As a leader, it’s important to be aware if some of your employees have low self-esteem so you can lead them well and help them build more self-worth. It is possible to develop more self-esteem as an adult, and a boss can play a role in that. It benefits both the employee, the company, and the boss if the employee gains more self-esteem.

Read More »
Josefine Campbell October 15, 2024