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Understanding people’s boundaries can be challenging for some leaders. This isn’t always because they’re selfish or indifferent—it’s often just difficult to know how to motivate, engage, create clarity, and respect others’ boundaries, especially when those boundaries differ from their own
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Knowing When You’re Pushing Limits
One example of boundary differences is the limit of effort you might push yourself to achieve versus what others find sustainable. If you grew up with beliefs like “We can sleep when we’re old” or “Pain doesn’t hurt,” you might have a default of powering through tough situations. However, others might have different limits, values, or motivations.
Managing Differences in Work Style: Detail-Oriented vs. Big-Picture Thinkers
As an executive coach, I often observe this dynamic between leaders who are big-picture thinkers and those who focus on details. When leaders who naturally look at the broader vision and outcomes manage employees who thrive on the nuances and specifics, misunderstandings and tension can arise. Big-picture thinkers may unintentionally push detail-oriented team members to work beyond their comfort zones, encouraging quick decisions or rapid execution without providing the time or information that detail-oriented individuals need.
This gap in work styles can be as pronounced as any cultural difference. Bridging it requires self-awareness and a respect for what others need to perform at their best. In leadership training, we often help leaders practice “stepping into the other person’s shoes,” learning to appreciate diverse approaches.
In my recent book, 12 Tools for Managing a Selfish Leader, we examine a case where a leader, Martin, repeatedly ignores the boundaries of his subordinate, Marie. He has ambitions for her that go against her wishes, disregarding her messages about her own goals. This example illustrates the importance of respecting others’ rights to set and pursue ambitions that align with their own values.
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3 Steps to Respectfully Lead or Work with People Who Are Different from You
Whether differences are in work style, personality, gender, nationality, beliefs, expertise, values, or age, these steps can help you respectfully engage with others:
1. Understand: What Does it Mean to Overstep Personal Boundaries?
Start by understanding what constitutes healthy relationship boundaries in professional settings. A professional relationship, like any relationship, is full of dynamics, which can sometimes become unhealthy. You can read more about team dynamics here.
In the figure above, you’ll see three modes of relationships:
- Distance: Both parties keep to themselves, with little connection.
- Overlapping: Boundaries are crossed, resulting in overstepping or dependency.
- Connecting: Both parties relate without losing their sense of self.
When a big-picture thinker manager pushes a detail-oriented employee to perform tasks without sufficient information or time, this often falls into Mode 2, where personal boundaries are overstepped. Key takeaways include:
- It’s okay to maintain distance sometimes.
- Overlapping boundaries is unsustainable in professional settings.
- Dysfunctional relationships often fluctuate between Distance and Overlapping.
- Mode 3, Connecting, is ideal for collaboration, leadership, and communication.
As you observe these modes in your relationships, you’ll notice that each one is unique. While people share commonalities, each relationship is distinct.
2. Explore How to Connect While Respecting Space
People have different boundaries, so finding the right balance varies from relationship to relationship. Like when innovating or working with LEAN principles, safe experimentation is key.
Our Safe-Test Model shows how to approach this exploration:
- Analyze: Form a hypothesis based on observations, staying open to alternative perspectives.
- Experiment: Design a small test to gauge your hypothesis. For example, if you sense an employee feels pushed to deliver results too quickly, consider a conversation that invites open feedback. This might confirm or disprove your hypothesis.
- Learn: Use the experiment to gather real insights, relying on both objective data and intuition. Consider others’ perspectives to refine your understanding further.
3. Repeat
This Safe-Test Model is a continuous loop. Repeat the process until you reach a resolution or apply it to the next challenge. Development itself can be deeply rewarding, especially for high achievers who seek growth and challenges. This methodology offers a structured yet flexible approach for leaders.
When working with those who differ from you, it’s essential to stay curious. Approach each interaction as an opportunity to understand and respect different ways of connecting and collaborating effectively.
In ever process we do we emphasize on testing behaviors in practice using the SAFE test approach, not matter if it is a 1-1 coaching, group coaching or if you join our leadership development community. Because it is when you try out new behaviors in practice that the magic happens, and you improve your results.
Understanding people’s boundaries is something you will get better and better at once you start paying attention following this approach.
If you would like to develop as a leader then I’m here for you. You can take a closer look at me as a coach or our Leadership Community.
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